Starbucks is pouring beer-flavored latte. Eew. Totally sounds gross to me.

This new dark barrel latte from Starbucks is an experiment in flipping the script on coffee-flavored beers.

Coffee-flavored beer has existed for ages. Whichever local microbrewery is nearest you likely has some sort of coffee stout. It’s a flavor profile with proven staying power…for beers. How would you feel if the script was flipped, and instead of a coffee-flavored beer, you were drinking a beer-flavored coffee?

That’s the selling point of Starbucks’ new Dark Barrel Latte, which is based on the rather insane concept that people over the age of 22 want beer for breakfast. The beverage – which is non-alcoholic, for the record – is geared to taste like a Guinness-type stout. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want my morning coffee to taste like is beer of any kind.

I was schlepping through grocery store the other day and saw cappuccino-flavored potato chips. Now I see that Starbucks is creating beer-flavored coffee. Can’t we just let things taste like they taste? If I want a mocha, I’ll order a mocha instead of eating mocha chips. Same thing applies to this new beer-flavored coffee. Enough is enough.

I’m officially declaring war on anything that is artificially scented or flavored to taste like a completely different food or beverage. I just don’t get it. Not to mention the fact that I can’t help but wonder what sort of crazy chemistry went into making coffee taste like beer.

Bottom line: If you’re the kind of person who needs your morning kickstarted by the flavor of beer, you probably have a problem that requires professional help. The kind that Starbucks can’t provide.

Howard Davidson Arlington MA