Burger King is sending a live chicken named Gloria on a nationwide tour to promote Chicken Fries.

This is totally creepy. In a new one-minute video, Burger King introduces their new mascot, a live chicken named Gloria. “Who better than a chicken to decide whether or not Chicken Fries return to the Burger King menu,” a man asks early in the video.

I don’t know about you, but I could come up with a few better ideas than having a creature with no self-awareness deciding whether or not humans are allowed to devour their species. At any rate, Burger King is taking Gloria the chicken on a tour around the nation, stopping at select locations. Once there, Gloria will peck into one of two bowls labeled “yes” and “no.”

The company is inviting “Gloria enthusiasts” – a label which I would assume approximately zero people identify as – to come see Gloria in action, or to watch a live stream as she makes her choice. Who would ever do that?

Why on earth would you travel to a Burger King restaurant to watch a chicken peck a bowl? Why the heck would you watch a live stream online, either? Who is the target market here? Certainly not me.

Here’s another gripe: Why, as the ad claims, did Burger King executives have such a tough time deciding which locations will serve Chicken Fries? The company itself claims that Chicken Fries are wildly popular, so wouldn’t the obvious choice be to sell them at all locations? The logic gap there annoys me.

I’m having none of Gloria the chicken. I haven’t been to Burger King in a decade. I don’t plan on being seen at one — ever.

Howard Davidson Arlington MA